


Just A Little Rush

by lilceccc



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Michael is trans, Ray is also trans and mute, Self-Harm, Slurs, i know i just love torturing michael dont i?, watch out kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-06-06 10:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6749149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilceccc/pseuds/lilceccc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Movies always show how great falling in love is, but they never show what happens after. What happens when someone falls out of love? What happens after they break up? What happens when your boyfriend falls in love with someone else? Everyone has their "what happened after" story. This is Michael's.</p><p>Fic playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/lilceccc/playlist/70rMTvIioESnrNUSnuEE9L</p><p>Disclaimer: I wrote this story originally with people in my life, but changed them to RTAH characters for this story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost & Gone So Fast

As the light from the screen illuminated his face, Michael stared down at his phone, re reading the text from Geoff.

6:42pm  
Goeff ♡: hey, can you come over? we need to talk.

Talk? What the fuck did they have to talk about? After a few minutes, he huffed out a sigh and climbed out of bed. Looking in the mirror and deciding he looked decent enough, he headed downstairs. He was greeted by his mom, standing over the sink in the kitchen.

"Hey Mom, I'm going over to Geoff's for a bit, if that’s okay.“

She looked up from the dishes she was washing. "Alright, do you need a ride?"

"No it's okay," he said as he shrugged on a hoodie he had previously grabbed from the rack near the door. "It's close enough that I can walk. Thanks, though."

"Okay honey, call me when you're on your way home." He mumbled a "yeah" on his was out the door.

The walk to Geoff's house wasn't a long one. He only lived a couple of blocks away. It was convenient, them living so close together. Especially now, since Michaels anxiety was getting the best of him and he was incredibly nauseous.

As he walked up to Geoff's house, he found him sitting on the outside steps with his head in his hands, running his fingers restlessly through his hair.

"Hey what's uh... what's going on?" Michael asked, trying to hide the rising panic in his voice.

"I can't do it anymore. I- I can't," he stammered.

"Dude, what's wrong? Calm down, what happened?" Michael walked over to Geoff and sat down next to him, putting his arm around his shoulders to try and calm him down. Geoff immediately shook him off and stood up.

"I can't be with you anymore."

Confusion flooded over Michael's face. "What?"

"We have to break up." There was no answer. "I'm sorry I just-"

"Shut up. Just- just shut up." Michael shouted abruptly, interrupting him.

"Michael I'm sorry I-"

"No shut UP." Michael cut him off again. He stood up. "Fuck you, Geoff." He started walking home, ignoring Geoff calling after him. He didn’t care if Geoff wanted to talk about it with him. He didn’t want to talk about anything with him. Not now or ever again.

The walk home from Geoff's was a long one. Way longer than it should have been. As he walked inside, he slammed the front door, ran upstairs, and did the same to his bedroom door, locking himself inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also: the shippy part starts kinda slow but I PROMISE it'll turn into Myan


	2. Breathe It In, Let It Go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Trigger warning for self harm in the beginning of the chapter

There were three sharp knocks on his bedroom door. Michael had just finished kicking off his shoes and climbing into bed and his mom was already at his door.

"Michael? Honey are you okay? Michael?" He didn't answer. He couldn't. He listened to her sigh and to her footsteps descend down the stairs. Michael looked at the clock. 7:02pm. Had it really only been 14 minutes since he left? It felt like an eternity. Time was moving so slowly to him, nothing felt real anymore.

That night, he didn't fall asleep until 3:27am. At exactly 6:00, there was another knock at his door, waking him up.

"Michael? Baby are you awake?" Silence. Another knock. 

"Michael it's time for school, baby, you have to get up." He tried to talk to her, he really did. But when he opened his mouth, nothing would come out. He leaned over the side of his bed and picked up one of the shoes he had kicked off the night before, throwing it at the door to tell her to leave him alone. She sighed again and said "Okay," before walking away.

Once he knew she was downstairs, Michael rolled out of bed so he could get changed. He had been in yesterday's clothes all night and felt dirty. He walked over to the floor length mirror on his closet door and looked at himself. What was wrong with him? Was he too pudgy? His hair too long? Did he have too many freckles? Was he just stupid? We're there any warning signs? If so, for how long? Was he too oblivious to notice them?

Over assessing the situation just pissed him off, and lead to him to hit his thigh repeatedly, until he could see a nasty bruise forming.  
A few hours later, he finally made his was out of his room and stumbled down the stairs, only to find his mom sitting at the table reading. Shit. He forgot she didn't work on Tuesdays. He pulled out a chair and sat down next to her.

"Michael, it's 10 o'clock," she informed him.

"Yeah I know."

"You should have been in school 3 hours ago."

"Mhm."

She looked at him sympathetically. "Michael, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

"I'm fine, Mom," he assured her. "Don't worry about it."

"Okay... Do you want something to eat? I could make you some eggs?" she offered.

"No, I feel sick."

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything."

Michael started to leave. "Okay."

"Hey, school tomorrow, yeah?"

He called down a "yup" from the top of the stairs. He walked into his room, and as soon as he sat down, his phone buzzed on the bed beside him.

10:07am  
Gavvers: hey man, where are you?

10:07am  
Michael: home. needed to take a day

10:08am  
Gavvers: you alright?

10:08am  
Michael: yeah, we'll talk about it later. danny's after school?

10:08am  
Gavvers: alright lad, see ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a lil bit of a filler but it's okay it's short!! Anyway, hope ur having fun kids


	3. I'm Not Sure Exactly What You're Looking For

Michael sat in the back corner of Danny's with his hood up, waiting for Gavin to walk in. He was stirring the ice in his soda with his straw when he heard the bell ring, indicating the door had been opened. He looked up to see his best friend walking in, car keys in hand. He sat down in the booth across from him.

"Sorry I'm late, bud. Sorola kept us after again," the tall brit explained.

"It's fine." Sorola kept them late about three days a week almost all of the time, so Michael had half expected him to not show up on time.

"So what's up? What's goin' on?" he asked. Michael bit his lip.

"Geoff broke up with me."

"Oh shit, he did? No wonder he looked so upset today."

Michael scoffed at this. "HE looked upset? That's funny."

"I don't know, dude," he started to explain. "When you've been with someone so long and you've seen and talked to them every single day, and all of a sudden that just stops, it's a hard thing to get used to." 

"Yeah, but this is the third time it's happened, and he did it, you'd think he wouldn't care anymore," Michael retorted.

"No, I get it. You're angry, and that's fine, I'm just saying you should consider how he feels, too."

"Yeah, I guess.” Michael knew he was right, but he was too stubborn to give I’m the satisfaction.

"It's like how I always tell Meg- focus on feelings, not actions."  
Michael just nodded his head.

The ride to school the next morning was agonizing. His stomach knotted at the thought of seeing Geoff's face. Every second he waited to get off the bus filled him with even more anticipation of getting home. He just needed to get through today. Just this one day then he'd be fine.

He met up with Gavin outside of their first block.

"Hey kid, you alright?" Michael replied with a nod. "Okay, let me know if you need anything yeah?" Michael heard him, but didn't respond. He was too busy trying not to look at Geoff, who was about 30 feet away from them at his locker.

"Hey." Gavin pulled him out of his trance. "Michael just don't pay attention to him. Act like he's not even there."

Well, that was a pretty hard thing to do when Geoff's eyes were burning a hole in the back of Michael's head. He had only turned around once, but it was fast enough for him to tell Geoff had been staring. When he turned back around he could still feel his eyes watching him. The second the bell rang, he stood up and left as fast as humanly possible. Gavin was only a few steps behind them. They swerved through the hallways, Gavin consistently asking Michael to slow down, but he couldn't. He had to get somewhere calm, somewhere he KNEW Geoff wouldn't be. They eventually turned down the V-wing hallway, right near their school's cafe. In his four years there at Vineland High, Geoff had never once stepped foot in that café, Michael was sure of it. But, sure enough, just as Gavin was asking him why he walks so fast, here comes Geoff Ramsey, swaggering down the hallway. _Oh, what the fuck is he doing here?_ Michael thought to himself. He stopped walking and stopped to lean over someone's locker. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ he thought again. _Whose locker even is that?_ He couldn't see. _Is that-_ the locker closed and a girl was revealed. Holy shit. His chest began to tighten and he couldn't do anything but stand there and watch. The girl was Griffon, the new kid in school. Michael didn't know what to do. He wanted to scream, but his mouth wouldn't open. Geoff leaned down and kissed her. Michael's eyes were welling up with tears. He had to get out of there.

Michael's legs carried him as fast as he could go as he ran out the doors. By this point, Gavin had given up on following him, and was instead blowing up his phone with text messages. Michael could feel it vibrating in his pants pocket, but couldn’t pull it out. He didn’t have time to focus on it right now. All he could focus on was getting the fuck out of that school. The second he knew he was alone, he whipped out his phone and called his mom, begging her to come pick him up. 20 minutes later when she pulled up next to the curb, he climbed in the car and they drove away without either of them saying a word.

Before the keys were even out of the ignition, Michael was exiting the car. His mom stopped him.

"Hey. Are we gonna talk about this?" she asked.

"Not now, mom," he told her, closing the door. Michael unlocked the door, climbed the stairs, and locked himself in his room once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I love Griffon. With all my heart. She just went with the story, that's all.


	4. Down To My Skin And Bones

Seven days. It had been seven days and Michael Jones has still not gotten out of bed. His parents had made countless efforts, bringing him his favorite foods, movies, anything they could possibly think of. Nothing was working.

It was around 6:00pm on the eighth day when Michael rolled over and finally checked his phone for the first time in days. There were several texts from Gavin, a few asking where he was, most of them asking if he was alright. Michael sigh and sat up on his bed, looking around his room for a towel. He hadn't showered in a while, so he figured better late than never. He picked up the towel that was hanging on his closet door and padded barefoot down the hallway towards the bathroom. After showering, going back to his room, and getting dressed, he picked up his phone to see a new text from his mom.

6:23pm  
Momma  
Hey, dinner's ready if you wanted to come down

Michael wasn't surprised, he had gotten one of these texts everyday. This is the first time he's actually taking her up on the offer, though. He trotted down the staircase and met his parents at the dinner table, slowly sitting down next to his father. There was already a plate set for him. He couldn't tell if his mom did this every night, or if she just knew he'd come down today, but either way he silently thanked her.

"Hi sweetie! You made it!" his mom joked.

"Yeah, I guess I did," he replied. She was in the middle of carrying a pot over to the middle of the table. It was tortellini with alfredo sauce, his absolute favorite meal. She had to have known he'd come down tonight. Her motherly intuition was insane.

After putting down his drink, his father turned to him. "Hey, kid. You doing alright?"

"Yeah, I guess." Truth be told, Michael actually was feeling a little better. Sure, he was tired from the lack of sleep he was getting, but a week of doing nothing and just being by himself had really calmed his brain down. His mom putting food on his plate pulled him out of his thoughts. Michael hadn't really planned on eating, but his stomach was arguing with him, crying out since it hadn't had a real meal in over a week. He'd been living off a bag of pretzels he had found in his room, and even then he would on eat a few at a time. He couldn't stomach anything else. The thought of eating had made him sick until now.

"So, Michael," his mother started, "when are you going back to school?"

All of a sudden, he regretted coming downstairs. ”Hopefully never," Michael replied.

"Honey, you know you have to go. I think we should try for tomorrow..."

Michael chuckled and her suggestion. "Yeah, no."

"But why not?" she pleaded. "You've missed much work and-" her son cut her off.

"Nope. Not gonna happen."

His dad butted in and said, “Michael, your mother and I are just concerned about your grades and school work, that's all."

"Dad, enough." he shouted. "I just... I can't do it," Michael told them, much quieter this time. It was silent.

"Son.."

"Alright," Michael stopped him. "I'll go." He stood up from the table and started towards the stairs, abandoning the plate he had been making for himself before the conversation started. He wasn’t very hungry anymore. On his way up, he half-mumbled, ”Just don't be surprised when I have to call one of you to come get me again."

Michael walked into his room, closed the door and sat on his bed. He picked up his phone, figuring he should probably answer Gavin.

6:41pm  
Michael: hey gav

6:57pm  
Gavvers: michael! my boy, you're alive!

6:59pm  
Michael: yeah, i am. can i catch a ride to school tomorrow?

7:00pm  
Gavvers: school? yeah, of course man

7:00pm  
Michael: thanks


	5. All I Do Is Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter with the slur. It's the the gay f-slur, so not too bad. Incase you don't want to read that part: ((SPOILERS)) it happens at the part when he's in the lunch room, and basically Geoff calls Michael that and Michael tells him off.

Water rushed over Michael's head, covering his ears and muffling the sounds outside. He hadn’t planned on showering that morning. Michael had never taken two showers within the same 24 hours in his life, but waking up in a pool of sweat from having nightmares can do that to a guy.

He didn't want to be nervous about going back to school. Really, he didn't. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help but think that everyone knew now. Everyone knew that him and Geoff had broken up. Everyone knew how weak he was to stay home from school for a week because of some stupid boy. Fucking great. The entire school's probably talking about him by now. Michael starts panicking, his chest gets tight and all of a sudden, he can't breathe. Any sounds that weren’t muffled by the water were now flushed out but the sound of his heartbeat in his ears. He feels like he's drowning, which is understandable, considering the water around him. The scars on his leg start to burn. Fuck, he can't do this. Not now.

Gavin's horn honking pulls him out of it. Michael quickly turns the shower off, dries himself, gets dressed, and grabs his book bag. His hair was still dripping down his neck, but he didn’t have time for that. He quickly ruffled it with his towel and threw it on his bed on his way out of the bedroom. He ran down the stairs and found Gavin leaning over the kitchen counter talking to his mother.

"Good morning, Michael," his mom greeted him.

"Morning, Mom," he responds.

"Hey, boi. Long time no see!" Gavin says, excited to see his friend again.

"Yeah." He turns to his mother. "We've gotta go. We're gonna be late." He heads towards the door.

"It's been great catching up with you, Mrs. Jones," Gavin tells her. "I'll see you later!" He turns and follows Michael. Before she can finish telling them to have a good day, Michael shuts the front door behind them. The two of them climb into Gavin's golden mercedes. Sometimes Michael forgets that Gavin's parents are surgeons and can actually afford to buy him things like that. Sure, Michael's family wasn't poor per se. They leaned more toward the upper middle class, really, but it was obvious Gavin's family had a lot more money than them.

That day at school, nothing eventful happens. Nothing but a normal school day, precalc then english them lunch then chem then home. Same thing he's been doing every day for the past couple months.

The next day at lunch, Michael spots Gavin across the room and heads over with his tray to sit with him. Sure, he was sitting with a few other people, but Michael didn't mind. Meg and Lindsay were rather nice, and while Barbara and Aaron were all over each other, they were still alright people when they decided to engage in conversation. Michael was about halfway across the cafeteria when he heard it. The word "fag" slipping out through someone's coughs. He turned his head in the direction of the voice. Of course it had come from Geoff Ramsey's table. People just love to test him, don't they?

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Michael asked him.

"Excuse me?" He replied. As if he had no idea what he was talking about.

"Did you really just call me a fag?" The entire cafeteria was staring in their direction by now.

"What's it matter to you?"

"C'mon, Geoff," Jack said from behind him. "He's not worth it."

"I'm just telling it like it is, Jack."

"That's funny," Michael started. "You weren't calling me a fag a couple weeks ago when you had my dick in your mouth." Everyone was silent, mouths gapping open in disbelief. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot I wasn't supposed to tell anyone you were queer." Gavin stood up from his table and rushed over to Michael, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him away from Geoff

"Michael, we gotta go." Gavin started ushering him toward the cafeteria doors.

"You motherfucker!" Geoff yelled after him.

As Gavin was dragging him out the door, Michael looked back and yelled, "My bad!"

Michael was walking across the field in front of their school towards the road. Gavin speed walked behind him, struggling to catch up.

"Michael! Michael! Where the fuck are you going?" Gavin shouted in his direction.

"Home!"

"You can't just leave school! You're going to get suspended for cutting!" 

"Don't care."

"Well, fuck, at least slow down so I can come with you!" Michael stopped walking and turned to his friend.

"I thought you didn't want to get suspended?" Michael asked sarcastically. Gavin jogged to catch up with him.

"Yeah, well, if you're going I'm coming with you. What's a couple days of suspension? We'll just spend it together." Michael was quiet for a second.

"Fine. Come on."

It only took about half an hour for them to walk to Michael’s house. It usually would have taken longer, but, boy, does Michael walk fast when he’s pissed off.

Upon arriving at the Jones household, they realized it was only 10:30 in the morning and there was the question of “okay, what now?’’

“Hey, I still haven’t seen Star Wars. You wanna watch it with me?” Gavin suggests.

Michael nods. “Yeah, okay. Set it up? I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

When he got back, Gavin was almost done setting up the bluray player. Michael sat down on the couch and moments later, Gavin plopped down next to him. As they watched the previews like they always did (they never skipped them, Michael liked to watch them and Gavin didn’t mind), Michael turned to him. “Hey, Gav?”

“Hm?”

“Can you- I mean, would you mind sleeping over tonight?”

“Of course, lad. Anytime.” When the opening crawl started, Gavin’s face turned from a sincere smile to a confused scowl. “What do they mean ‘A long time ago in a galaxy far far away’? What are they playing at?”

Michael shot him a look that was more disgusted than confused. “What do you mean ‘what do they mean’? It’s pretty damn straight forward,” Michael tried to tell him. “They’re just trying to tell you the setting, that it’s, yak now, in the past, somewhere else.”

“Well why didn’t they just say that then?”

“They did! That’s exactly what they said!” Micheal didn’t know why he tried sometimes. He never gets through to that kid.

“Well they didn’t have to go and make it all fancy and stuff!”

“Gavin, just shut up and watch the fucking movie.”

Halfway into Star Wars: A New Hope (Michael made him start with the originals), the front door unlocks. Fuck. Of course his mom decided to come home for lunch today of all days.

“Michael?” she called from the hallway. She walked into the living room to find the two boys sitting on the sofa. “Gavin? What are you guys doing here?”

“Uh…”

“Bad day, Mrs. Jones,” Gavin explained for him. “He had to come home.”

She sighed. “Alright…”

“Hey, mom?” Michael asked sheepishly. “Uhh, is it alright if Gavin stays over tonight?” His mother looked at him from the kitchen.

“Sure, honey.”

Gavin smiled softly at her from the couch. “Thanks, Mom.”

It was 12:47am when they finally laid down to go to sleep. They were in bed a while ago, but between staying up one their phones and talking, they didn't settle in until then. It was 12:55am when Gavin felt a hand reach for his. He rolled over, half asleep and confused, to find his best friend curled into a ball crying.

"Hey. Hey what's wrong?" Gavin asked him.

"I- I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep," Michael explained. "Sorry I'll just... You go back to sleep."

"No, Michael what's wrong?'

"I just-" he cut himself off by choking on a sob.

"Alright, c'mon then." Gavin put his arms around Michael and let him curl into his chest. They stayed like this, Gavin stroking Michael's hair trying to calm him down, until they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comparatively, this chapter is so long?? What the heck


	6. Don't Shake Because I Never Even Rattle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! MAJOR major trigger warning for attempted suicide in this chapter. Please stay safe.

"Michael. _Michael_. C'mon, get up." Gavin was shaking him awake. He looked at the clock next to him. 6:45am. 

"Get up for what?" he asked. 

" _School,_ Michael." Fuck. He forgot school was a real thing that he had to do. 

"Mmm nope. Don't wanna," Michael replied. 

"C'mon, lad. You have to go. It's Friday, anyway, and we have a three day weekend. Just get through this one day?" Gavin pleaded. With a groan, Michael reluctantly pushed himself out of bed.

Michael and Gavin rode the bus to school, and Gavin complained the whole way there. He hadn't taken the bus in the past two years, and he missed his car, and he can't believe he actually just left it at school, and blah fucking blah. Michael loved Gavin, he really did, but in this moment he really just wished he would shut up. 

School was uneventful. Nothing says "normal day" like having an anxiety attack before first block, getting stared at during second block, seeing Geoff and his girlfriend practically dry hump each other during lunch, and crying in Gavin's car on the way home after school. It's not like home was any better to be honest. Sitting in your room alone gives you plenty of time to think things you shouldn't be thinking. Things that you'd rather die than keep thinking. Things that make you think, hey, maybe I should. 

Michael was standing in front of his mirror after dinner, listening to his parents cleaning up and washing dishes. The noise was driving him crazy, he'd doing anything for it to be quiet. He walked over and closed the door to his room, but it didn't help. Why the fuck was he freaking out? He loved his parents, they weren't even being that loud. How did he get here? How did he start hating every little thing everyone did? Gavin talking this morning on the bus, people asking him questions at school, and now his parents washing dishes? Michael looked in the mirror and couldn't help but think that he could be so much better. For his mom, his friends, everyone. If he wasn't good enough for Geoff, how could he be good enough for anyone else? Thinking these things that he shouldn't be thinking made him grow angrier and angrier, until he drove himself to punching his mirror so he didn't have to look at himself anymore. The mirror shattered, the shards of glass falling at Michael's feet. He bent down to pick one of the pieces up, turning it over and over in his hands. The sharp edge of the glass nicked his the tip of his finger, and blood came pouring out. He watched it run down his hand to his wrist, and Michael couldn't help but think how easier everything would be if his wrists were bleeding as well, and not just his finger. He lifted the glass to his arm, and in one swift movement sliced open his wrist. After repeating the action on his other arm, Michael slid down his wall until he was sitting on the floor, the rest of the mirror surrounding him as he dropped the last piece out of his hand.

Down stairs in the kitchen, Michael's mother heard a thud and immediately looked up. "What was that?" she asked. His father made a confused face as Michael's mother walked up the stairs. She knocked on the door, but there was no answer. She gently pushed open the door, only to find Michael sitting on the floor, blood pouring out of his wrists. His mother screamed, and his dad ran up the stairs into his room. His mom begged him to call 911 through her sobs. The last thing Michael saw was blue and red lights flashing outside his window.


	7. Any Way to Distract and Sedate

Michael woke up to the sound of machines beeping, an IV in his hand, and his wrists wrapped un bandages. Where the fuck was he? What the fuck happened? He looked around the room and found his mom half asleep in a chair next to him. "M-mom?" he stammered. She jolted awake.

"Michael! You're awake!" 

"Uh, where are we?" he asked her.

"The Inspira Health Center in Bridgeton," she explained to him. 

"Inspira? The mental hospital?"

She hesitated. "Yes honey, the mental hospital."

"Why the hell am I here?"

"Sweetie, you tried to kill yourself."

"Well, you're not wrong," he agreed. They sat there chatting for a bit, Michael's mom just holding his hand and silently thanking God that her son was alive. A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. A man in a white coat and glasses who Michael assumed was a doctor entered the room.

"Hi are you Michael?" the man asked. Michael shook his head yes in response. "Hi, I'm Dr. Burns. I just came in to let you know we're moving you upstairs to our ward in a couple of days. We'll keep you here until then."

"How long do I have to stay here?" Michael questioned.

"At least a couple weeks. Maybe longer. It depends on your progress over the next two weeks, alright?" Michael nodded again. "Alright. If you need anything just push the button on your night stand and either I or one of the nurses will come take care of you." With that, Dr. Burns left the room. 

"Honey, I'm gonna go home and get you some things, clothes and a tooth brush and whatnot, okay?" Michael's mom said. She stood up from her chair and walked over to Michael, kissing his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Mom." As she left the room, she shut the door behind here. Not that it made any difference, the entire room was clear. Probably so they could keep an eye on him. It made sense if you thought about it. Michael looked around the room and realized there wasn't much in there. Just a bed and the machine he was hooked up to that was monitoring his vitals. That, an IV, a chair, and a small table with a drawer in it. He opened the drawer and there was nothing in it. _Wow,_ he thought, _the really made sure that I couldn't hurt myself in here, didn't they?_ When it finally clicked that there was nothing in the drawer or on the table, it also clicked that he didn't have his phone. Fuck, did Gavin know where he was? Did he want Gavin to know where he was? Was Gavin worried about him? Just then, the door opened again. A tall blonde kid entered the room.

"Oh my God, Michael!" Gavin walked across the room to him and gave him a hug. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, boi, I'm fine," Michael replied.

"Okay. What the fuck, dude?"

"I don't know, Gav."

"What the hell was going through your head?" Michael shrugged and looked away. The silence in the room grew thicker by the second.

"He never held my hand," Michael finally whispered.

"What?"

"He never did. Never kissed me, never hugged me, nothing. No PDA whatsoever. Even when we would go out of town and there was no one around. He only ever touched me in private. And now here we are, over a year later, and he's all over her. He practically fucking fingers her in class."

"Oh, Mich-"

"Is there something wrong with me?" Michael asked, cutting him off. "Did I do something?"

"No. No, Michael, you didn't. You didn't do anything at all," Gavin reassured him.

"I'm just not good enough. Not for him or anyone else."

"Hey," Gavin said, slightly offended. "You're good enough for me."


	8. Trampled Nerves With a Purpose to Serve

Two days later, Michael was sitting on his hospital bed having an conversation with his mother. She had barely left in the past couple days, only leaving for a couple hours to go home, take a shower, and grab some food. A knock on his door interrupted their chat. 

"Michael?" Dr. Burns called, entering the room.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"Are you ready to move?" Michael nodded his head and climbed out of bed, gathering his things. He kissed his mom on the cheek and promised her that he'd see her soon. Michael silently vowed to make it out for her if not anyone else. He followed the doctor down the hallway to an elevator. The two of them got in and the doctor pushed the number four as they waited for the doors to close. When the ride was over, the doors opened and they exited the elevator.

"Okay, Michael, this is our fourth floor ward, for young adults. Adults is one floor up. Meals are at 8:00, 1:00, and 6:00. You'll be given a menu to choose your food ahead of time. We have rec time from 9-12, and group therapy at 2:30. In between, patients usually just hang out in their rooms. meds are given out at 8 and then it's lights out at 9." Michael nodded as they continued to walk down the hallway. "The cafeteria is here, lounge is down the hall to the right, and the nurse's station is right there. Phones are lined up on the wall right outside the station. Did you write down any phone numbers?"

"No..."

"I'll have your mom bring your phone so you can do that." They walked through the ward and past the nurse's station. Dr. Burns stopped outside of a door with the number B103 written on it. "And this," he said, pushing the door open, "is your room."

"There's two beds." 

"Yes, that's because you have a roommate."

"Oh... Who?" Michael asked.

"His name is Ray," the doctor explained. "He should be back soon, lunch is almost over."

"Oh, okay."

"The bed on the right is yours, I'll be back to check on you after dinner." And with that, he left the room.

Michael looked at the clock. 1:57. He plopped his bag down on the bed on the right and started to unpack his things. All of his shirts and pants were kind of frantically thrown in the bag, so he took them all out and refolded them gently, each the same as the last. Just as he was finishing up his shirts, someone entered the room. Michael turned around to see a short boy a little younger than him standing in the door way. 

"Oh, are you Ray?" Michael asked him. They boy shook his head yes. "Hi, I'm Michael." He extended his hand to shake Ray's, and in doing so, made the sleeves ride up on his jacket. He had forgotten about his wrists. Ray looked down at his hand and took it. Michael knew he had seen the bandages on his wrists. God, how could he be so stupid? Now the kid was gonna think he was a freak. At some point between looking between his arms and the kid, Michael noticed a faint scar around Ray's neck. He suddenly realized that the two of them, as well as everybody else, were all here for the same reason.

Suddenly, Michael didn't feel so alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, three chapters in one day??? Who even am I???????


	9. The Taste of Broken Trust

Michael finally finished unpacking around 2:15, and had realized that he was starving. He hadn't eaten since early that morning.

"Hey, Ray?" he asked. Ray looked up from the book he was reading. "Is there anything to eat around here?" Ray grabbed a notepad from his bedside table and began to scribble words on it. He held it up to Michael. It read:

_Not really. We only get to eat at meal times except for special occasions. So in other words, you're shit out of luck till dinner._

"Well, fuck. Only 3 hours and 43 minutes to go," Michael retorted. "You don't talk much, do you?" Ray shook his head no. "Oh. That's cool." Ray began writing on his note pad again.

_Do you know ASL?_

"Not very much, no. I know a little, but only the basics. Sorry, bud," Michael explained.

Ray looked at him and signed "well, fuck."

"Now THAT I understood!" Michael said, laughing. Ray looked at the clock. It was 2:25. He stood up off of his bed and started to the door, carrying his pad of paper and a pen with him. "Hey, where are you going?" Michael asked him. Ray wrote quickly:

_Group_

He motioned for Michael to follow him. Michael took his bag off the bed and shoved it under, then turned to follow Ray down the hall.

The walk to their group therapy session wasn't too far of a walk from their room, just down the hall a bit. Ray led Michael to this big open room with a wall of windows on one side and various types of seating in a circle against one side of the room. Ray walked over and took a seat on a bench that sat against he wall, and Michael walked over and sat next to him. They were the only two in the room, but that soon changed. A thin blonde woman entered the room, the sound of her heels clicking against the floor tiles. She set her things down on a chair and looked over at Michael and Ray, seeming more focused on Michael.

"Hi, you must be new here! I don't think we've met before." She offered her hand to Michael, and he politely took it. "My name is Ashley," she said with a smile.

"Michael," he informed her.

"You're new here, right? Is this your first day?" she asked. _"New here." "First day." As if I'm a new student in a kindergarten class,_ Michael thought. On the outside, he just smiled and shook his head yes. "Wow, well, thanks for actually showing up. Most kids don't show up for the first week at least."

More and more kids started filling in. They all joined Michael and Ray in the circle. There were a lot of kids there, way more than Michael expected. At exactly 2:45, they started their session.

"Alright, we seem to be missing a couple people, but that's okay," Ashley told them. "We have a new patient joining us today, so we'll start by going around the room and introducing ourselves."

So they went around the circle, starting with a girl next to Ashley, Mica, and going around the circle, skipping the two or three empty chairs, ending with Michael. About 15 minutes into group, a tall boy with long blonde hair walked into the room and sat in one of the empty chairs. Michael saw Ray sign to him, asking him where he had been, but whatever he signed in reply, Michael couldn't make out. They talked in the group for about an hour. No one had forced Michael to talk, which he was grateful for. Maybe he would another day, but not right now. He wasn't ready. The session ended a little before 4:00, giving them about two hours before dinner. Michael had almost forgotten how hungry he was until now.

As he was walking into his room with Ray, he turned to him and said, "Dude, I'm fucking starving." Ray looked at him and then turned to walk out the door. Michael was extremely confused and couldn't even begin to imagine where he was going. While waiting for Ray to get back, he laid down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Moments later, Ray entered the room and threw a bag of goldfish crackers on Micheal's stomach, startling him.

"Holy shit, where did you even get these?" Michael asked, amazed.

Ray turned to him and signed, "I know a guy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was kind of just filler stuff. You gotta have terrible chapters sometimes to get to the good ones.


	10. Cover You Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Ryan.

A couple hours after Michael had finished inhaling his goldfish, it was time for dinner. It was quite obvious the crackers were nowhere near enough food to fill Michael up, judging by the spring in his step and he walked behind Ray to the cafeteria. They barely had time to talk, Michael was shoving food in his mouth so fast. It's really easy to forget to eat when you're depressed, and God, did Michael curse himself for it. 

After they ate, Michael was sitting on the couch next to Ray, watching some stupid movie about sharks inside a tornado. Apparently there’s four of these movies? There’s no way the producers make enough money to pay their actors for FOUR shitty movies. Ray started frantically writing on his note pad, handing it to Michael.

“You can change the channel if you want,” it read in big letters, scribbled across the page.

“Oh, okay,” Michael replied, reaching for the remote. He flipped through the channels until he found a cartoon that was playing. _It’s better than nothing,_ he figured. “Hey, Ray?” Ray turned his head towards Michael. “Why don”t you talk?” Before he could pick up his pen and paper, a voice from across the room spoke.

“Ray’s transgender, he has pretty bad dysphoria about his voice,” the man explained from the chair across from them. “He also uses it as a coping mechanism. He was selectively mute in the first placed, and when he started to hate his voice, he figured ‘hey why not just not talk at all?’ So he doesn’t.” Michael looked to Ray for confirmation. He just shrugged and shook his head yes.

“Hey man, I’m trans, too! And let me tell you, it get’s so much better. Look, I even got surgery and everything!” Michael told him, lifting up his shirt to show him his scars. “You’ll be alright one day, I promise.” Ray smiled at him and silently thanked him. “I’m Michael, by the way,” he said, introducing himself to the boy in the chair across from him. He looked up from the book he was reading.

“Ryan.”

Ray looked at Michael and signed to him, “ _He’s_ the guy.”

Michael’s brain finally clicked. “Ooohhhh,” he said. “You’re the guy who Ray got the goldfish from.”

“Yep, that’s me,” Ryan confirmed.

Ray wrote on his notepad, “Ryan’s favorite pastime is sneaking out and buying food from the vending machines.”

“Shit, you can sneak out of here?” Michael asked him. “How is that even possible?”

“Most of the nurses here are clueless. And I know a guy who keeps the doors unlocked,” Ryan explained.

“Does everyone here know a guy except me?”

“You know one now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was kinda short, I'm sorry. I was having trouble with the beginning for a really long time


	11. We're Fucked Up, But We're Not The Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! Trigger warning for self harm mentions and the f slur in this chapter. Other than that, we good.

Michael couldn't sleep that night. 

Not like, "man, I'm having a hard time going to sleep," kind of can't sleep. More like "holy shit, I'm wide awake and have been for hours and probably won't see sleep for the next few hours," kind of can't sleep. 

He looked over at the clock again. 1:17. Michael had been laying in bed, awake, for over 4 hours. 

"Hey, Ray," he whispered, trying to get the younger boy's attention. 

Ray didn't answer. He didn't even sit up or roll over to indicate that he was awake. He was dead asleep, the complete opposite of Michael. 

What the hell was he supposed to do? He was so goddamn bored, he felt like he was dying. He didn't have his phone to text anyone. He couldn't get up to get something to eat or drink. He was stuck there. He didn't even know anyone else in the damn place. 

Except for one person. 

Michael sat up in his bed and grabbed the sweatpants that were balled up at the end of his bed, slipping his feet into them and pulling them up around his waist. He stood up and crept toward the door, trying to be as light on his feet as he possibly could. He pulled the door open slowly, peeking out into the hallway to make sure no one was there. There wasn't a person in sight. Michael looked down the hallway at his destination. Across the hall, four doors down. The light was still on, pouring out from under the door. He was still awake. Michael checked the hall again to make sure no one was coming. When he found that the coast was clear, he slunk out into the hallway, making his way to room B110. When he reached the door, he knocked lightly, his knuckles just barely grazing the door. He heard shuffling on the other side, bed springs squeaking and feet padding toward him. 

"Who is it?" a hushed voice asked through the crack in the door. 

"It's Michael," he hissed back. "Just open the door?" 

The door flung open and a hand pulled him into the room, closing the door just as quickly and quietly as it had opened. Ryan stood before him, looking down to meet his gaze. 

"You've got some balls, kid. I didn't try to sneak out of my room until at least a week in," Ryan told him. 

"You can't call me a kid," Michael retorted. "You're probably not even older than me." 

"How old are you?" Ryan asked

"17."

"19."

"Well, shit."

"What are you doing up, anyway?" Ryan questioned him, taking a seat on his bed. Michael followed and did the same.

"Just, couldn't sleep, I guess," Michael explained. "Never really slept well when not in my own bed."

"Yeah, that's how I am, too," Ryan replied. "You get used to it, though. At least, I have."

"But you're still up, too. If you're so used to it how come you're not asleep yet?" 

"I've been preoccupied," Ryan told him, gesturing toward a book that had been flipped upside down on his bed. 

"Les Misérables? Isn't that book, like, crazy hard to read?" Michael asked him, picking the book up, careful not to lose his page. He looked at the words, trying to comprehend them. "Woah wait, it's in french?" Ryan shook his head. 

"French is my first language. It's actually easier for me to read than English."

"Man, that's kinda fuckin' amazing."

Ryan had always been careful with sharing too much information with his friends, let alone someone he didn't know. He didn't want people to know too much about him. He didn't even tell people his full name, for Christ's sake. But he found himself telling Michael whatever he wanted. Maybe it was the fact that it was pretty late, or maybe it was the way Michael talked to him, like he was legitimately interested in what he was saying, that made so many words, so much information, come pouring out of Ryan. 

"So, what'd you do to get in here, anyway?" Michael eventually asked him. 

"What did _you_ do?" Ryan repeated back. 

"Hey, I asked you first!"

"So?"

Michael sighed. "I tried to kill myself. Slit my wrists open."

"What'd you do that for?"

"Boyfriend broke up with me. I know that's a dumb reason, but it was so much on me. It made me feel like shit. He acted like I didn't exist most of the time, and when he did acknowledge me, it was to make fun of me for being a fag. It just...... it fucking sucked. And I know I probably overreacted and a lot of kids have it worse than me and I don't know why I'm still talking but I'm gonna stop now."

"I don't think it was a dumb reason," Ryan told him. 

"Eh, it kinda was. But thanks. How bout you? You gonna tell me what happened to you?” Michael inquired again. 

Ryan hesitated. “Not right now,” he stated.

“Aw, but why not?” Michael whined.

“Because I don’t want to,” Ryan said firmly. Michael took the hint and slowly nodded his head.

“Okay.” He quickly changed the topic, immediately getting rid of the unpleasant vibe in the room. Ryan realized that he never met someone quit so fast. Never met someone who knew when to stop bugging him before he got mad, and never met someone who did it so willingly. Ryan had never met someone so different before.

It was about 3:00 in the morning when Michael finally fell asleep. In Ryan’s bed. Ryan didn’t mind, though. He secretly liked the company, and if he really wanted he could have moved to the spare bed on the other side of the room. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay right there. 

Michael was woken up by someone gently shaking him a few minutes before 7:00. It was Ryan, trying to tell him that the staff would be there soon and that he should go back to his room before anyone finds him in with Ryan. Michael didn’t want to go, but to avoid getting in trouble, he slowly stood up and sleepily walked back into his room, curling up in his own bed, and falling asleep almost instantaneously.


End file.
